What You Should Not Ask Your Flight Crew

We obviously spend lots of time around the humans. We are in the service industry after all. Day in and day out we spend our time carrying you, your loved ones, your bags and your ‘service animals’ from here to there with ease. We do this with a smile on our face. Not because we get paid exorbitant amounts of money to do so but because we love it. It’s in our blood. Even though the means of travel have changed, the drivers and their staff have stayed the same.

“All aboard!” I shout from the cockpit window up to the terminal waving my Captain’s hat through the morning fog while confirming the departure time on my gold pocket watch. Children watch with their noses to the window wondering what far off land I will be steering this magical flying machine to. My passengers are waving from their windows as we sail away. Except for the ones in steerage. They are angry.

But while times have changed, I wonder if the passengers have remained the same? Did they make small talk with the ship Captain before they set sail while he was busy doing what ever those guys did back then? If the train conductor was walking through the cars stretching his legs at the end of a long day on the rails was he bothered with small talk from the humans?

“So, what is your route?” They may ask him.

“To and fro.” He’d say. “To and fro.”

The “what is your route” question is the most common one you can ask. I’m sure there is a bit of intrigue to our lifestyle but this question lacks in all originality. I lie every time I’m asked this one. Unless the questioner is a nun. To them I always tell the god’s honest truth. “It will be very bumpy and there is always a chance something could go very wrong.”

But if you were to ask, “Of the places you go which is your favorite?” I’d give you a full answer. Unless I’m eating at the one table that is very far from anyone else.

“That’s a great question. I’m so glad you asked. It’s not what you would think really. We may spend the night in what sounds like a great destination but may be stuck in a nasty hotel with no entertainment options nearby. Conversely, we may stay somewhere you’d never expect would be fun but we have lots of time with plenty to do. But, to tell you the truth. Most of the time we stay in the hotelville next to the airport that looks like every other hotelville. A few American chain restaurants and a couple of big box stores. All I really care about anymore are lobby waffles… and good shower pressure.”

Another good one.

“My neighbor has a sister who is a pilot. Do you know a lady named Mary? She has dark hair.”

Often, if I even entertain this question, it turns out Mary neither works for the same airline or even is an airline pilot. For these questions I find it best to answer something else. “Yeah, I think gate 35 is down there. That flight cancelled though.”

I walk away when someone starts a conversation with, “So, I just watched the movie Flight.”

Don’t get me started with the number of times I’ve heard, “But you wear glasses?”

Luckily, this one doesn’t come up anymore, “Are you old enough to fly this plane?”

Don’t make any jokes about booze.

Flight attendants take it personally when you suggest they look tired and you ask if they’ve had a long day.

And unless you are engineer who has worked on aircraft design, are a meteorologist or have been to space I’m not going to talk “shop” with you.

I like talking to people. I really do. This is why I choose to fly for a passenger airline instead of a cargo one. I enjoy interacting with all types of travelers in the airport. Even when times are tough. Especially when times are tough. It’s the passengers that ask questions just for the sake of talking. The ones that don’t really want to have a conversation they just don’t want to be alone. Those are the ones I test my phone volume around so it sounds like its ringing.

If you have an honest question, ask away.

Just don’t call me ‘Skipper.”