In a surprise move, Doctor Henderson of Manhattan’s faith-based “Restore Heterosexuality – Gay Conversion Center” has decided to turn 180 degrees and is now offering a heterosexuality conversion course.
“The science is in,” says Henderson. “Studies have proven you just can’t convert gay people to a straight lifestyle. During my years of attempting to do so, I have realized that gay men and women are just so much happier than their straight counterparts.”
To make the world a better and happier place, he is now offering a program to convert straight individuals into gay.
“We have a lot of research still to do,” he goes on to say. “But quite frankly, we didn’t do any research before our last go-around. I think my new program will at least offer a solid alternative way of looking at the world for the narrow-minded and stubborn. Honestly, we have some very unhappy people out there. I look around and see so many miserable folks mocking and making fun of those they don’t agree with. Enough is enough, really.”
His program may seem unconventional but takes many cues from his former approach. Using a combination of classical conditioning as well as both positive and negative reinforcements combined with a little faith, he hopes to help people “pray the straight away.”
“I have a patent pending for a glitter cannon I built that shoots all manner of confetti at my patients when they turn their faces away from images of popular gay icons. We play lots of Cher and Madonna here at the clinic. And if they don’t like it, we glitter bomb them!”
So far, success rates have been hard to quantify.
“While no one has left running off to the courthouse to marry, we’ve seen a shift in attitude at least. I’m hearing reports that my subjects are watching far less Fox News after therapy. One guy even changed his dog’s name from Van Susteren to Streisand.”
Henderson also offers a booster program to keep his clients on the right track.
“We send out a monthly personality profile quiz for them to take at their leisure. If the metrics show they are slipping back into their former ways, we advise them to come in for a little maintenance. A simple realignment in their straight ways.”
One of the clinic’s realignment procedures involves a heavy dose of RuPaul’s popular Drag Race TV show.
“We have an incredibly comfortable massage chair with restraints added for the arms and legs. It’s a simple technique, really. We strap them in and press play. It doesn’t take long for them to start enjoying RuPaul. She is very entertaining. I used to not think so. I guess I just didn’t allow myself to be entertained. And then I hit myself with the glitter cannon a few times. You just can’t be angry when covered in glitter.”
The clinic’s website has so far received positive feedback. Several comments include glitter-covered selfies exiting the building.
A novel approach. Time will tell if it sticks.