Some Pilots Just Know It All

There are a few ways people can make money flying airplanes around. The two big easy examples are flying people or flying boxes to people. I’ve never considered the latter as, for the most part, I enjoy the humans. I like being around them. I like looking at them. I like making fun of them. But I generally don’t like talking to them too much.

And I especially don’t like talking to them about airplanes. Especially when we are in one and I’m dressed in a manner in which it would be safe to assume I know a thing or two about them.

And I never initiate conversations with passengers when I’m deadheading in the back of the plane. I wear headphones even if they’re not plugged in. I nap even when I’m not tired. Hey, I may never give up the face mask.

But, I have my limits.

Once, I sat next to a grown man who turned on a Flight Simulator (game) on his iPad after I sat next to him and we pushed back from the gate. He was taxing a Southwest-colored plane out of Phoenix while we were on a Southwest plane taxing out of Phoenix. He was sitting next a Southwest pilot in uniform in real life doing this. What did he expect?

I stopped pretending to nap, pulled an earbud out of my ear and gave a few casual glances. I couldn’t help myself when he took the runway and still had his flaps up.

“Might want to put some flaps in, pal,” I whispered.

And then he rotated and failed to put his gear up in a timely fashion. (At all!)

“Landing gear, man.” I said.

And then he was doing like 300 some knots at 4000 feet and climbing in a manner suggesting he didn’t realize the objective here is to get away from the Earth.

I said, “Dude, way too fast! Up! Up! Mountains!”

“Bank angle fella!” Came next.

“Your speed! That angle! Too much!”

Soon after, and never acknowledging I saved his life, he started reading his Kindle and I took a real nap.

The nerve of this guy.